‘Am we a deep a deep a deep failing my individuals?’: i am a black girl who doesn’t date black colored men; sometimes, i’m accountable about this


‘Am we a deep a deep a deep failing my individuals?’: i am a black girl who doesn’t date black colored men; sometimes, i’m accountable about this

Alexis Dent: i will be torn involving the progressiveness we obviously pursue as well as the regressive nature of a culture that still makes me feel ‘less black colored’ for dating a white man

Article Sidebar

We moved along the cereal aisle in the food store, determined in order to complete my grocery list. I landed on what I was looking for: a jumbo box of Rice Krispies as I skimmed my eyes across the rows of boxes.

“Good choice,” a deep, bellowing vocals confirmed. We switched around and saw a handsome man that is black patiently, with a cart packed with food and a hot laugh that quickly invigorated my tired nature after a lengthy day’s work. He had been using a professional ensemble, leather-based gown footwear and a brown wool houndstooth coating with all the collar popped. We smiled and apologized for keeping him up.

‘Am we a deep a deep failing my individuals?’: i am a black colored girl whom doesn’t date black colored men; often, i’m responsible about that returning to video clip

“No problem,” he reassured me personally with a sort nod.

This encounter ended up being absolutely absolutely absolutely nothing uncommon; we often have actually comparable encounters with strangers during the food store. But, I felt an immense amount of guilt as I strolled past this man’s cart full of baby wipes, pull-up diapers, fresh fruit and his own box of Rice Krispies.

I will be a black colored girl whom hasn’t dated a black colored guy, and a lot of times I don’t think hard about this. But often, like whenever I encounter a family that is well-dressed having a shared love for several morning meal cereals, we wonder if i’m a deep a deep failing my individuals.


In the end, 50 years back in a lot of states it had been nevertheless illegal for people to marry anybody who had not been also black colored. The gravity of the is perhaps not lost on me personally. Although battle relations continue to be not even close to perfect, we acknowledge the actions toward addition that we’ve made. However, we nevertheless believe that, by maybe not dating black colored males, I’m neglecting the provided history, solidarity and future success of my other people.

Content articles proceeded

As a new woman and also throughout university, I happened to be frequently annoyed whenever my peers indicate if I exclusively pursued black men that I would magically find a partner. White dudes will never ever love you would like black colored dudes, they might state. We resented those remarks, thinking that my love really should not be bound towards the color of my anyone or skin else’s.

Even though We have expressed romantic fascination with black colored dudes, it offers for ages been a useless effort. That has been possibly the most aspect that is frustrating of well-meaning buddies’ advice. My experiences date right right back as soon as middle college, whenever I had been infatuated by having a black colored classmate for 36 months. That every stumbled on a screeching halt as he, completely conscious of my crush on him, teased me right in front of my buddies within my 13th birthday celebration.

I became 19 the very first time a person of colour actually indicated halfhearted interest in me personally; he had been a biracial buddy whom over and over asked me away and then over and over repeatedly forced us to pay money for these times. Meanwhile, throughout senior high school and university, the few black colored guys we knew discovered my blackness as subpar to theirs. I happened to be criticized for my wardrobe that is preppy and music preferences, and on multiple event I became accused of attempting to be white.


As time passed, I discovered that being black didn’t mean I’d to check or work a way that is certain. I really could love my epidermis and also love Britney Spears and nation music. Blackness is not homogeneous, but I was taken by it a whilst to note that.

As being a woman that is black i desired to be seen as appealing to more than simply black colored males. This isn’t mainly because I grew up surrounded by white people because i’ve always believed in inclusivity, but also. If We waited for the black man whom liked us to apparate away from nothing, I would personally have waited ten years. But no matter if my alternatives for black colored guys had been endless, I’ve never viewed attraction as black colored or white.

Ebony dudes do have more effortlessly grasped my gripes about my locks or institutional injustice. But I’ve long known that there surely is no such thing being a perfect partner. I’ve merely dedicated to finding a man that is great. As you go along, I’ve dated white dudes whom wished to find out about blackness; white dudes who pretended my blackness didn’t occur; a Jewish man who had been well-meaning but politically infuriating; and a Honduran man who quickly ditched me personally for my companion. Not one of them are the best fit in my situation, but which wasn’t since they weren’t black colored.

My best match thus far has become a blue-eyed engineer with perfect teeth. More essential than their appearance are their type heart and mild nature. I’ve happily shared my form of black colored love with him. For people, which means researching each other’s cultures. He teaches me personally about German alcohol and soccer chants; I familiarize him with my Caribbean tradition and cuisine that is jamaican. Together, we want to pay attention to Lauryn Hill’s watch and music soul-stirring documentaries on incarceration. Nevertheless the part of our love that I’m many grateful concerning is the fact that I’m finally loved due to my Afro-Caribbean history, maybe maybe maybe not regardless of it.


Nevertheless, in some instances personally i think ashamed for dating outside my battle. I will be an ally to my individuals, but We have perhaps maybe maybe not linked to them within the deepest way possible — intimate love. How to offer the development of black colored individuals if We have never ever let my walls down for a black colored guy myself?

It is not too i will be perhaps not delighted within my present relationship. I’m. Instead, i will be torn between your progressiveness we obviously pursue and also the regressive nature of a culture that still makes me feel “less black colored” for dating a man that is white.

More About This Topic

That time within the food store, we endured within the checkout line behind that handsome man that is black the Rice Krispies. He had been now accompanied by a tiny toddler and a really wife that is pregnant. He embraced their spouse and youngster lovingly as she brought a pint of Ben & Jerry’s to your cart during the minute that is last.

Their spouse and I also caught eyes, and I also flashed her a grin.

I’m perhaps not dating a black colored guy, and I also feel less accountable about any of it every day. Often the tiniest of encounters remind me that love must not be limited by guidelines, and not at all by competition.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.